Surrender at All Costs

The Idiot Master has managed to obtain a copy of the following speech which is to be delivered during closed session at the Daily Kos convention, August, 2007.

(With apologies to Sir Winston Churchill.)


The Battle of the Interim Iraq Report is over. I expect that the Battle of the Petraeus Report is about to begin. Upon this battle depends the survival of the Radical Left and our hope for political ascendancy. The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us. Free People know that they will have to break us on this issue or lose the struggle. If we can stand up to them, all the world may be allowed to choose between the Radical Left and Islamo-Fascism. But if we fail, then the whole world, including all that we have known and cared for, will rise to new heights of bourgeois prosperity, made more dynamic, and perhaps more protracted, by the ingenuity, hard work and fundamental decency of the American People.

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long weeks of struggle. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage propaganda with all our might; to wage propaganda against the Bush-Cheney tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is surrender, surrender at all costs, surrender to terror, surrender despite progress on the ground, surrender, however close to victory the road may be.
Even though large tracts of Baghdad and many old and famous terrorist havens have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Coalition or Iraqi Security Forces, we shall still insist on defeat. We shall go on to the end, we shall surrender in the Mainstream Media, we shall surrender in the Halls of Congress, we shall surrender in the Academy, we shall surrender with growing confidence and growing strength on the Blogs. We shall surrender despite defections from treacherous Moderates and wavering Liberals.
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the Radical Left and its Fantasy Ideology last for a thousand years, men will still say, "This was their lowest hour."

Memo Regarding Ward Churchill

(The following memo has been sent to the Useless Idiots Network in an attempt to energize support for Ward Churchill.)


MEMO

Date: 3/1/2005

From: Network Master

To: Network of Forward Thinking Elements Located in Amerika

Subject: Chief Ward Churchill

Recently, there have been scurrilous charges made by certain reactionary forces regarding Chief Ward Churchill. These groups maintain that Chief Churchill’s claim to Native American ethnicity is false. Our Network successfully influenced the University of Colorado to hire Chief Churchill. Now we must defend him with utmost energy on two levels:

1. Even if Chief Churchill were not Native American by virtue of birth, he is entitled to his claim because he has the consciousness of a Native American. Thus, just as Bill Clinton was recognized as the “First Black President”, Chief Churchill is a true Native American.

2. In fact, Ward Churchill is a full-blooded Chief of the Fuhgahwee Tribe. Below is a brief backgrounder on this tribe which you should use to debunk the disinformation campaign of the fascists.

According to ancient lore, the Fuhgahwee had their beginnings as part of the Caddo Chiefdom of the Mississippian Culture. The Caddo, an agricultural and partly urbanized civilization reached their high point around 1300 A.D. A period of turmoil followed and various groups dispersed and began to lead more nomadic lifestyles. The best known of these groups evolved into the Pawnee who settled mainly along the Platte River in Nebraska. The pre-cursors of the Fuhgahwee followed the Arkansas River upstream from the Mississippi to the area around present day Wichita, Kansas. There, they prospered, primarily due to the plentiful wild game, especially bison.

Around 1450 A.D., it is suspected a change in weather patterns caused the herds to drift westward up the Arkansas River Valley and some of the tribes followed. Legend has it that during a prolonged period of rain, mist and fog, one particular band became lost while wandering west, then north into the plains of eastern Colorado. Eventually they found themselves, under clearing skies, within sight of the snow capped peaks of the Rocky Mountains in the vicinity of modern Boulder, Colorado. Upon viewing these magnificent mountains, the elderly Chief remarked to his shaman that he had never been in this part of Kansas before. The shaman, also stunned by the sight of these mountains, replied, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” The Chief became so flustered by this possibility that he raised his arms to the sky and shouted, “Then where the F*** are we?” and immediately expired of a sudden heart attack. The people misunderstood the Chief’s words and believed he was proclaiming a new name for the tribe. Furthermore, his dramatic demise was taken as a confirming sign from the Great Spirit. So they began chanting “We’re the Fuhgahwee! We’re the Fuhgahwee!”

Ever since, the Fuhgahwee have been known as the most clueless of all tribes. And Chief Ward Churchill has proven by word and deed that he is entitled to be recognized as a full blooded member of the Boulder Band of the Colorado Fuhgahwee.

Memo to Democrats

MEMO

Date: 2/17/05

From: The Idiot Master

To: The Democratic Party

Subject: Useless Idiots


While running the Useless Idiots Network has generally been a positive experience, I do have one concern that I must share with you. It was never my intention to influence the Democratic Party and I am dismayed to see the Party so often following the lead of the Network. This situation is not good for America. Our country needs a strong and thoughtful Democratic Party for two reasons:

1. while in opposition, to keep the Republicans on their toes and force a vigorous debate on the important issues

2. to be fit to govern when the fickle political winds change, as they most certainly will

As my Pappy used to say, “When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.” Instead, by following the lead of the Useless Idiots Network, your Party has been debating what kind of shovel to use, the proper digging techniques and how to make the hole appear more attractive to those outside.

The proper response to an absurd comment by Michael Moore, CBS News, The N.Y. Times or Chief Ward Churchill of the Fuhgahwee Tribe is NOT to fall into line and shout encouragement. Instead, you should chuckle softly and say to yourself, “Ah, it appears The Idiot Master has struck again.” Then get back to the serious business of being a major political party.

And, if you don’t trust the advice of The Idiot Master on this subject, then I suggest you pay attention to the World’s Smartest Woman (WSW). She seems to have a clue as to what is going on here.

Best wishes from,

The Idiot Master

Confessions of The Idiot Master

The following was originally posted as a comment on the Belmont Club post of 2/11/05, titled

"Easy To Be Hard; Easy to be cold"

Dear Belmont Club Readers,

I think many of the comments on this blog have had a tendency to take the Left a bit too seriously. This is understandable, because there is some rather obscure history one must know in order to fully understand the current situation. Most of you are probably aware of the efforts of the former Soviet Union to subvert the West during the Cold War. But few of you know how these efforts have evolved in recent years.

My acquaintance with the subject began in the early 1990’s when I hired a Russian immigrant (we’ll call him Sergei to protect his identity) to do some small contracting jobs around the house. He was a pleasant fellow, who spoke English without an accent, and we soon struck up a friendship. It turns out that his background was with the old KGB, specifically 2nd Section of the 3rd Division of the First Chief Directorate. As you may know, the First Chief Directorate was responsible for foreign operations and intelligence gathering activities. The 3rd Division within this Directorate was responsible for “Active Measures” in foreign countries, such as disinformation, propaganda, and the establishment and backing of international front organizations. There isn’t really a good English translation for the title of the 2nd Section (literally it’s something like "Section for the Cultivation and Sustainment of Forward Thinking Elements within Non-Marxist Societies"”), but colloquially, the people who worked there called it the Useful Idiots Section.

It turns out that Sergei had kept a detailed record of all the techniques, codes, contact information, etc. for running the Useful Idiots Network in the United States. With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the value of this information had become so discounted that Sergei was willing to share it with me in exchange for a few referrals to his contracting business and a case of good Vodka. Since the Soviet implosion removed any utility that these Idiots formerly possessed, I no longer refer to them as Useful Idiots, but have taken to calling them Useless Idiots.

To make a long story short, since early in 1993, I have been sending out instructions to the Network and am responsible for most of the ludicrous public statements and antics of the American Left. My motivation is nothing other than a slightly twisted sense of humor. Although I can't claim to have any control over a loose cannon like Chief Ward Churchill of the Fuhgahwee Tribe, I will take credit for using the Useless Idiots Network to get him hired at CU despite his lack of credentials. My favorite recent coup is Teddy Kennedy’s speech just prior to the Iraqi elections. (BTW, Teddy isn’t actually part of the Network. He’s just a harmless old drunk, but one of his speech writers always follows my instructions to the letter.)

I beg you to keep the above information confidential so that I may continue to pursue this humorous pastime.

Faithfully yours,

The Idiot Master