Confessions of The Idiot Master

The following was originally posted as a comment on the Belmont Club post of 2/11/05, titled

"Easy To Be Hard; Easy to be cold"

Dear Belmont Club Readers,

I think many of the comments on this blog have had a tendency to take the Left a bit too seriously. This is understandable, because there is some rather obscure history one must know in order to fully understand the current situation. Most of you are probably aware of the efforts of the former Soviet Union to subvert the West during the Cold War. But few of you know how these efforts have evolved in recent years.

My acquaintance with the subject began in the early 1990’s when I hired a Russian immigrant (we’ll call him Sergei to protect his identity) to do some small contracting jobs around the house. He was a pleasant fellow, who spoke English without an accent, and we soon struck up a friendship. It turns out that his background was with the old KGB, specifically 2nd Section of the 3rd Division of the First Chief Directorate. As you may know, the First Chief Directorate was responsible for foreign operations and intelligence gathering activities. The 3rd Division within this Directorate was responsible for “Active Measures” in foreign countries, such as disinformation, propaganda, and the establishment and backing of international front organizations. There isn’t really a good English translation for the title of the 2nd Section (literally it’s something like "Section for the Cultivation and Sustainment of Forward Thinking Elements within Non-Marxist Societies"”), but colloquially, the people who worked there called it the Useful Idiots Section.

It turns out that Sergei had kept a detailed record of all the techniques, codes, contact information, etc. for running the Useful Idiots Network in the United States. With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the value of this information had become so discounted that Sergei was willing to share it with me in exchange for a few referrals to his contracting business and a case of good Vodka. Since the Soviet implosion removed any utility that these Idiots formerly possessed, I no longer refer to them as Useful Idiots, but have taken to calling them Useless Idiots.

To make a long story short, since early in 1993, I have been sending out instructions to the Network and am responsible for most of the ludicrous public statements and antics of the American Left. My motivation is nothing other than a slightly twisted sense of humor. Although I can't claim to have any control over a loose cannon like Chief Ward Churchill of the Fuhgahwee Tribe, I will take credit for using the Useless Idiots Network to get him hired at CU despite his lack of credentials. My favorite recent coup is Teddy Kennedy’s speech just prior to the Iraqi elections. (BTW, Teddy isn’t actually part of the Network. He’s just a harmless old drunk, but one of his speech writers always follows my instructions to the letter.)

I beg you to keep the above information confidential so that I may continue to pursue this humorous pastime.

Faithfully yours,

The Idiot Master